Memento

[TranquillityBase]

Memento

I was with him when he found it
discarded among cedar and limestone,            period or semi-colon
the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated
with chips from a shattered mirror.

A memento of my son’s painstaking labor -
breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,
affixing them, patient and compelled.          sort of want this to end without the 'and'.   ...patient, compelled.

I look into the skull’s mirror,
meditate on the chaos/ of my visage          This stanza has some potential for nice enjambment if you want it but it messes with your line structure.
reflected/ back in a kaleidoscope of loss.

In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass,    agree with Mark, should be S3
could he see into an indifferent universe 
where his future would be denied?

It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief
and I am father to his memory.   period
that time has fused by the happenstance of now.   A reflection...   could also consider cutting 'the' and 'of now'

Hi TqB,
Late again but I had to read this many times to feel like I had something worthy to offer.  As others, this is a well done poem.  My only sticking point is in the last line with the word 'happenstance' which means coincidence by my figuring; it doesn't quite work for me.  Though I love 'happenstance'  i made a suggestion but not sure it solves it.
take care,
bryn

Thanks Bryn, I am going to try some of this out.  Your idea about the last stanza has given me more ideas, but for now I'm going to try adding "reflection".  Thanks for the read and ideas.

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Memento



I was with him when he found it

discarded among cedar and limestone,

the skull of an 8-point buck that he plated Love the subtle change from "now" to "that he..."

with chips from a shattered mirror.



A memento of my son’s painstaking labor -

breaking the mirror, selecting the chips,

affixing them, patient and compelled. I understand and actually really like your reasoning for keeping "compelled"



I look into the skull’s mirror,

meditate on the chaos of my visage

reflected back in a kaleidoscope of loss. I could picture the skull and for some reason I didn't consider how fragmented things would look in its reflection. Thank you for clarifying, this reads really well to me now



In its reflection, this curiosity of bone and silvered glass, Could we shorten to "In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass,"? If not, I do appreciate the pseudo-repetition of the word reflection (reflected, reflection). It adds rhythm to the poem imo

could he see into an indifferent universe 

where his future would be denied?


It’s a universe we share. He is father to my grief I respect the decision to keep "It's a universe we share." It's a phrase that does add more emotional weight to the poem
and I am father to his memory

that time has fused into the happenstance of now. "happenstance of now" is a nice phrase to think on. I'm thinking it refers to the N coming across the memento left by the son, but I also feel like I had to do some work to arrive at this conclusion because there's nothing in this line or stanza that references the skull again in some way.

I think you've taken others' feedback very well by coming through with a delicate edit that doesn't alter the tone of the original draft. If you were to leave this draft as is, you would be leaving us with a poignant and well-crafted piece that I really appreciate you sharing.

Alex

Alex, thanks for coming back.  Yes, I am trying to come up with a way to bring the reader back to the skull in the last line...good point.  For now I'm going to try Bryn's idea of using "A reflection..." though I'm still looking at other ways to say it.  Not many synonyms for "skull" to go with.  But I'm still pondering it.