03-25-2023, 10:46 PM
Hi Tim-
If yer worried about that last line you could lose it, but still keep ‘now’, by simple rearrangement of that last stanza to produce a solid finish.
It’s a universe we share now-
he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory.
I would not mess too much with this one, though, and that includes leaving ‘found it’ in L.1. ‘ it’ is vague enough to pique my interest, and works as a good enough hook to draw me in.
Also, the stanza about looking into ‘the skull’s mirror’ was absolutely clear to me, and I’m surprised you felt compelled to explain it. Slight changes could clarify though:
I peer into the disjointed mirrors on the skull…
You could also avoid the repetition of ‘reflected/reflection’ by trimming thusly:
In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass…
Of course these are only suggestions, but I don’t think they alter the tone of your poem.
If yer worried about that last line you could lose it, but still keep ‘now’, by simple rearrangement of that last stanza to produce a solid finish.
It’s a universe we share now-
he is father to my grief,
and I am father to his memory.
I would not mess too much with this one, though, and that includes leaving ‘found it’ in L.1. ‘ it’ is vague enough to pique my interest, and works as a good enough hook to draw me in.
Also, the stanza about looking into ‘the skull’s mirror’ was absolutely clear to me, and I’m surprised you felt compelled to explain it. Slight changes could clarify though:
I peer into the disjointed mirrors on the skull…
You could also avoid the repetition of ‘reflected/reflection’ by trimming thusly:
In this curiosity of bone and silvered glass…
Of course these are only suggestions, but I don’t think they alter the tone of your poem.