Geese

[alonso ramoran]

Miley,

This was a very interesting read. I loved following the images and the ideas behind them. The first thing that strikes me is the poem's formatting. Were the spaces between the lines intentional or was it a pasting mistake? Would love to see a more condensed format of this poem. More comments below.

“I am fire and air; my other elements 

I give to baser life”

– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare



A Blizzard Why the capitalization?

like powdered amnesia The idea here is worth sticking to, but I wonder if "powdered" is the right descriptor when referring to a blizzard. Do we really need a word that describes the texture of a blizzard? How about the feel temperature-wise? E.g. "cold amnesia" or something to that effect.

hushes land and sky--



horizon's lost all meaning. Playing off of "amnesia", could you reword as "horizon's meaning is forgotten." or would that be too clumsy?



This isn’t a noble place

but the soil is red

and sometimes the river freezes over in gold

like god is an artery cut through our centre Love these 2 lines. The sound of it and the images are solid.



and still people work

descending through the days I feel like this simile is being stretched here. The choice to compare working people specifically to geese doesn't do anything for me. It feels random. With that being said, I feel like other titles for the poem might have to be considered.

like geese in perfect pitch

of pale plumes and snowfall.



Our history is the history of falling,

                and violence,

      and love,   

the soil is red

and everywhere the earth screamed so loud This brings me back to S1L3 where the land and sky is being hushed. Is the horizon more defined and intense in this last stanza?


it lost its voice

again and again



I give to baser life.

“I am fire and air; my other elements 

I give to baser life”

– Cleopatra, "Antony and Cleopatra" (scene ii), by William Shakespeare



Descend

in perfect pitch 

of pale plumes and snowfall

              

          at last horizon’s lost



all meaning   this isn’t a noble place

but sometimes the river freezes over in gold

like god is an artery

cut through our centre     and still

people work    here    like everywhere     everyday

like geese    it’s true   

   our history is the history of falling

       and violence

and love     everywhere    the earth screamed so loud 

it lost its voice     again and again

I give to baser life