Silent Response ( was Senecio's High Noon Saturday)

[alonso ramoran]

Coda for a Silent Response

Today, the dog park topic was Death:
wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer. This is an interesting mix of images. If it were husbands being lost I'd think of war immediately, but it's wives in this case. Was this a purge of some sort?

I know the loss, 
but not the urge how do you feel about rephrasing as "no longer the urge,"? Imo it would read smoother
to desecrate that void 
with words to strangers. Love these 2 lines and the idea of this "void being sacred" it implies. Though, the hardest thing to follow is what this void is in reference to. Death?

At noon:
the sun stills the memory unless the N is referring to a specific memory, I'd consider removing "the" before "memory". Otherwise, I'm not sure what memory the N is talking about.
with a cardinal’s song.

Silent Response



This morning

the dog park topic 

was Death:

wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.

I should have been more

empathetic: I know the loss, 

but not the urge

to desecrate that void 

with words to strangers.



Illumination at noon:

the sun tossing Death aside, 

pulling up the cardinal 

I’m listening to now.















Silent Response







Today, the dog park topic was Death:



wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.



I should have been empathetic:



I know the loss, but not the urge



to desecrate the void with words to strangers.







Redeemed by noon’s bitter sun, I repent,



like the cardinal I’m listening to now.



















Senecio’s High Noon Saturday















I grow dirty,







let my beard go native,







find most people tiresome







or terrifying, sometimes both at the same time.















Today, the dog park topic







was death.







Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.















Now I know more,







but there are no answers in talk,







hearing that static, that white noise







reminds me: Death demands my absolute attention







like the cardinal I’m listening to now.







































































































Senecio’s High Noon Saturday































Before second childhood















comes second puberty,































I grow dirty,















let my beard go native,















find most people tiresome















or terrifying.































Today, the dog park topic















was death.















Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.































Now I know more,















but it’s no solution, just to talk,















talk is static.  White noise.































Death demands your absolute attention















like the cardinal I’m listening to now.

You've done some heavy cutting for this piece which shows that there is a specific message I think you're trying really hard to hone in on. I appreciate the poem for its language and the way it sounds, but the meanings aren't coming through for me, which could definitely be a fault on my end. I've enjoyed seeing this piece change from edit to edit so far

Alex