April Takes a Walk

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve-
I almost missed this one, and I'm glad I found it.  I love simple story/poems like this and think it only requires minor adjustments:

An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle

of his path’s tread.  An autumn sun  maybe 'of leaves on the path'. 'path's tread' just sounds needlessly poemy. Also- should be 'A winter sun' because of how this piece ends
casts its shadow, broad and long,           yes it is a little clunky. I liked the resonance with 'up ahead' below but not sure it's worth it.

just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead.  She occasionally looks back

to see what he might have to offer,  why not go for the rhyme 'to see if he's still there'  ?? That's what kids are usually doing when they look back.   see below
but mostly she walks a long, unaware  'along' argh, yes

of his smile.  Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through 'broken' me thinks        thanks, yes

the moist earth.  A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring.  beautiful ending, Steve


Like I said, I really do love short story/poems, and this one does not disappoint! Simple and lovely.  I also love the title- at first I thought it would be about the month, but then understood it to be about a girl named April.  Or maybe it could be both!
Mark

Hi Mark,
I am glad  you liked it.  Funny story, I originally wrote most of it last fall when Tiger did the 'let's pretend it's April' prompt.  I misunderstood what he meant thinking it meant write a poem about Aprilly things.  it sat all winter until I dug it up.  I am trying to make the whole poem a metaphor about the relationship between the past and future/present but there aren't really any clues in the poem except the one line about 'what he might have to offer' so while it seems clear to me it's not likely anyone else would really go there.  Any thoughts on how I could prompt the reader?
Thanks again,
steve