03-18-2023, 12:50 AM
Hi Steve-
I almost missed this one, and I'm glad I found it. I love simple story/poems like this and think it only requires minor adjustments:
An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
of his path’s tread. An autumn sun maybe 'of leaves on the path'. 'path's tread' just sounds needlessly poemy. Also- should be 'A winter sun' because of how this piece ends
casts its shadow, broad and long,
just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead. She occasionally looks back maybe break the line after 'looks' so 'back,' appears on the next line.
to see what he might have to offer, why not go for the rhyme 'to see if he's still there' ?? That's what kids are usually doing when they look back.
but mostly she walks a long, unaware 'she' interrupts the rhythm. 'along'
of his smile. Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through 'broken' me thinks
the moist earth. A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring. beautiful ending, Steve
Like I said, I really do love short story/poems, and this one does not disappoint! Simple and lovely. I also love the title- at first I thought it would be about the month, but then understood it to be about a girl named April. Or maybe it could be both!
Mark
I almost missed this one, and I'm glad I found it. I love simple story/poems like this and think it only requires minor adjustments:
An old man walks with a shuffle,
his feet stirring the red-gold rustle
of his path’s tread. An autumn sun maybe 'of leaves on the path'. 'path's tread' just sounds needlessly poemy. Also- should be 'A winter sun' because of how this piece ends
casts its shadow, broad and long,
just tickling his grand-daughter
up ahead. She occasionally looks back maybe break the line after 'looks' so 'back,' appears on the next line.
to see what he might have to offer, why not go for the rhyme 'to see if he's still there' ?? That's what kids are usually doing when they look back.
but mostly she walks a long, unaware 'she' interrupts the rhythm. 'along'
of his smile. Poking around with a stick
she finds a crocus newly broke through 'broken' me thinks
the moist earth. A purple tongue
just getting its first taste of spring. beautiful ending, Steve
Like I said, I really do love short story/poems, and this one does not disappoint! Simple and lovely. I also love the title- at first I thought it would be about the month, but then understood it to be about a girl named April. Or maybe it could be both!
Mark