Silent Response ( was Senecio's High Noon Saturday)

[Miley]

Silent Response

This morning
the dog park topic 
was Death:  
wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.
I should have been more 
empathetic: I know the loss, 
but not the urge
to desecrate that void 
with words to strangers.

Illumination at noon:
the sun tossinges Death aside, 
pulling up the cardinal 
I’m listening to now.


Its great reading through the iterations. I think you’ve nearly nailed the ending. I think I prefer the line breaks in your previous version for the first stanza. I’m not entirely sure what the enjambment is doing. Perhaps the ambiguity of the line “I should have been more” ? The first three lines read smoother to me together though, as it feels like a set up and I’d rather not diddy around on it. On that same note I think “today” is maybe fine in place of “this morning” ? This morning is more specific and plays off the “noon” at the end, I just like that “today” is quicker so I get to the meat of the poem sooner. But I’m not sure, either way honestly. I suggested changing tossing to tosses because I felt like tosses was more immediate and that it would emphasize the shift more from the previous conversation. Reading this I felt like I could relate to your sentiment about not wanting to share your grief with strangers, and I think the move to the bird is beautiful. The dry language of the first stanza is fitting of the mood. Thank you for sharing

Silent Response



Today, the dog park topic was Death:

wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.

I should have been empathetic:

I know the loss, but not the urge

to desecrate the void with words to strangers.



Redeemed by noon’s bitter sun, I repent,

like the cardinal I’m listening to now.









Senecio’s High Noon Saturday







I grow dirty,



let my beard go native,



find most people tiresome



or terrifying, sometimes both at the same time.







Today, the dog park topic



was death.



Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.







Now I know more,



but there are no answers in talk,



hearing that static, that white noise



reminds me: Death demands my absolute attention



like the cardinal I’m listening to now.



















































Senecio’s High Noon Saturday















Before second childhood







comes second puberty,















I grow dirty,







let my beard go native,







find most people tiresome







or terrifying.















Today, the dog park topic







was death.







Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.















Now I know more,







but it’s no solution, just to talk,







talk is static.  White noise.















Death demands your absolute attention







like the cardinal I’m listening to now.

---

Silent Response

This morning
the dog park topic 
was Death:  
wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.
I should have been more 
empathetic: I know the loss, 
but not the urge
to desecrate that void 
with words to strangers.

Illumination at noon:
the sun tossinges Death aside, 
pulling up the cardinal 
I’m listening to now.


Its great reading through the iterations. I think you’ve nearly nailed the ending. I think I prefer the line breaks in your previous version for the first stanza. I’m not entirely sure what the enjambment is doing. Perhaps the ambiguity of the line “I should have been more” ? The first three lines read smoother to me together though, as it feels like a set up and I’d rather not diddy around on it. On that same note I think “today” is maybe fine in place of “this morning” ? This morning is more specific and plays off the moon at the end, I just like that “today” is quicker so I get to the meat of the poem sooner. But I’m not sure, either way honestly. I suggested changing tossing to tosses because I felt like tosses was more immediate and that it would emphasize the shift more from the previous conversation. Reading this I felt like I could relate to your sentiment about not wanting to share your grief with strangers, and I think the move to the bird is beautiful. The dry language of the first stanza is fitting of the mood. Thank you for sharing

Silent Response



Today, the dog park topic was Death:

wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.

I should have been empathetic:

I know the loss, but not the urge

to desecrate the void with words to strangers.



Redeemed by noon’s bitter sun, I repent,

like the cardinal I’m listening to now.









Senecio’s High Noon Saturday







I grow dirty,



let my beard go native,



find most people tiresome



or terrifying, sometimes both at the same time.







Today, the dog park topic



was death.



Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.







Now I know more,



but there are no answers in talk,



hearing that static, that white noise



reminds me: Death demands my absolute attention



like the cardinal I’m listening to now.



















































Senecio’s High Noon Saturday















Before second childhood







comes second puberty,















I grow dirty,







let my beard go native,







find most people tiresome







or terrifying.















Today, the dog park topic







was death.







Jeez Louise, I know enough of death.















Now I know more,







but it’s no solution, just to talk,







talk is static.  White noise.















Death demands your absolute attention







like the cardinal I’m listening to now.