Draft 2: Our Silence in the World We Build

[Mark A Becker]

How would you suggest I reword L5-6?

Hello again Velasco-
First let me say that I think you've produced an oddly romantic dystopian piece, and I mean that in a good way.  
I would not presume to alter your work, but since you asked, I'll give it a shot. I'll need to do it in context of other suggestions that have been made, which causes slight changes, but you will note that these are not wholesale changes. Let's call em loving modifications that I don't think alter your message.  


Every station emits static, like a gentle storm
that encouraged us to stay inside—me listening to music,
you enveloped in a book; us curled in our blankets.
The pulse of conversations spanning countries
has slowed along the lines of communication that remain.
There was always something to be said,
so when there's nothing being said, the air between us
becomes sacred, and we can hear
a blue jay calling _______.  I'd prefer to read it as something like "... in the distance".  'dormant cable' just sounds out of balance to me. I mean that literally, too: the meaning of 'dormant cable' is clear, but the sound of the words just seem off to me when I read it.  'in the distance' isn't so hot either, and is merely a  suggestion, and I'll bet you can come with something much better.  You have this one very close to completion, Velasco, and I'm pulling for you.
... Mark