Silent Response ( was Senecio's High Noon Saturday)

[Mark A Becker]

Silent Response

Wow Tim-
that's quite an edit, which tells me that you are really invested in getting this one right, and I mostly agree with what you've done. I think line breaks to shorten some of the longer lines would slow the reading (odd how longer lines actually read quicker, ain't it?. 

Silent Response

Today, the dog park topic
was Death:
wives lost, decomposed bodies, cancer.
I should have been more
empathetic: I know the loss,
but not the urge
to desecrate the void 'that void' since loss is a specific void
with words to strangers.

Redeemed by noon’s bitter sun, I repent,This line is the critical turn to the final line.  'redeemed' 'bitter' and 'repent' just don't seem like the right words, and they don't turn convincingly to the final line.  
like the cardinal I’m listening to now. This simile demands something to be compared to from the previous line.  Otherwise what's the cardinal being compared to? I don't see what that is in the previous line: comparing the cardinal to 'I repent' just doesn't make sense, because cardinals don't repent. They may change their songs, but not their minds, or hearts.

I think yer close to crossing the finish line with this one.
Mark

ps. - I've thought about it some more, and think you need a penultimate line that speaks to seeking an answer, since that is what the cardinal is doing with its song- seeking an answer. Something about sitting in a shadow of the sun would be cool, too.  A line in that regard would make much more sense, and would also complete this piece.