Quiet as a Mouse(new title)

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve-
I like the new title and use of a rustling mouse as a metaphor for death.
Some in-line comments:

He came  'He', now that I know, is the mouse/death meatphor.
       not with a knock
but a seep
       under jamb and sill.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.  really like this opening
 
A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
           within the body
of your house.  sustaining the metaphor well
 
Almost heard
            the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
            pantry through cupboard. This line doesn't work, for me, at least.   This could go.  Pushing to metaphor to a more specific place, metaphorically speaking!
 
We didn’t know
           until dust,
meager crumbs
             and brittle bones. This stanza is the turn from the mouse/death metaphor to what the poem is really about while trying to stay within the context of the metaphor.
 
Only your laugh remained  maybe 'last breath' ?? Something other than 'laugh'. Laugh it is cause it's the laugh, sense of humor, that didn't go until the end.
             caught in his throat. 

Maybe flip the last two lines: 
"caught in his throat, 
        only..."

The poem could look something like this (not a word changed, just some cut out):

Quiet as a Mouse

He came
      not with a knock
but a seep
      under jamb and sill.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.

A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
          within the body
of your house.

Almost heard
      the faint gnawing,
the chomping, the clawing.

Caught in his throat
      only your laugh remained.

Hi Mark,
Thank you for the title suggestion.  I think it does open up the poem nicely.  And thanks for your detailed comments.  I posted some responses above.  One issue that seems to be an issue is my transitioning away from the mouse metaphor at the end.  I will have to think about how to address that.  I also will have to think about your suggestion for the last stanza, not sure it gives the emphasis I intend.  To make things even more interesting, there is a whole other level i have been wanting to work in eventually, ie maybe the mouse wasn't so uninvited!  The plot thickens...
Thanks,
steve