Quiet as a Mouse(new title)

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Steve-
I like the new title and use of a rustling mouse as a metaphor for death.
Some in-line comments:

He came  'He', now that I know, is the mouse/death meatphor.
       not with a knock
but a seep
       under jamb and sill.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.  really like this opening
 
A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
           within the body
of your house.  sustaining the metaphor well
 
Almost heard
            the faint gnawing
the chomping, the clawing
            pantry through cupboard. This line doesn't work, for me, at least.
 
We didn’t know
           until dust,
meager crumbs
             and brittle bones. Another way to describe the discovery would work better. Or just cut these liness.
 
Only your laugh remained  maybe 'last breath' ?? Something other than 'laugh'.
             caught in his throat. 

Maybe flip the last two lines: 
"caught in his throat, 
        only..."

The poem could look something like this (not a word changed, just some cut out):

Quiet as a Mouse

He came
      not with a knock
but a seep
      under jamb and sill.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.

A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse
a shadow nibbling
          within the body
of your house.

Almost heard
      the faint gnawing,
the chomping, the clawing.

Caught in his throat
      only your laugh remained.