Quiet as a Mouse(new title)

[brynmawr1]

He came
       not with a knock                I'm not sure if this play on words is worthy of keeping. You could do without it.
but a seep
       under sill and jam.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
 
A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse nibbling             Get rid of mere, creep works much better.
through your house.
 
Only heard                              You could work in inaudible here.
            a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping                a grinding? a clawing? 
            pantry to cupboard.
 
We didn’t know
            until dust,
meager crumbs
             and brittle bones.          Favorite stanza. Good stuff.
 
Only your laugh remained
             caught in his throat.      Not sure about this last line

You should cut down on your use of the word only. I think it is a cheap substitute.

An effective piece, the title seems too generic for it.

HI SC,
Good to hear from you.  Thanks for your comments.  I will adjust the 'only's' with some thought.  The second line is really meant to imply 'uninvited' and the word play a fortunate accident.  I like your suggestions for S3, especially clawing to work against gnawing.  I am terrible at titles so if you have a suggestion...
Thanks,
Bryn

---

He came
       not with a knock
but a seep
       under sill and jam.
            A draft, a hunger
a winter’s night chill.
 
A quiet, a creep
            a mere mouse nibbling
through your house.
 
Only heard
            a feint gnawing
a tunneling, a chomping
            pantry to cupboard.
 
We didn’t know
            until dust,
meager crumbs
             and brittle bones.
 
Only your laugh remained
             caught in his throat.

First things first - the homonyms.  "[J]am" for jamb and "feint" for faint.  Either would almost make sense as they are, so within the realm of poetic license - "jam" as the lure, "feint" as misdirection by audible gnawing.  But just in case, there, to be mended if desired.

The outer story is clear enough - the small intruder, the clues, the caught breath on finding the remains.  The inner story, analogy to Death as the little creeping thing that steals away laughter with life, is there for me.  Nicely done.  In the first instance, speaking of "you" and "your" is fine; in the other, it turns mournful.

In my experience with house mice, once they're dead you tend to nose them out rather then simply find them unexpectedly.  Not sure how that figures in suspending my disbelief in the story - bones would say long time gone - or how it could be included in the poem (somewhere around "dust," I suppose).  Or if it should be (probably not).

Line structure is effective, discontinuities as thoughts wander or, perhaps, someone gasps his last.  Someone small, or a friend.

Hi Duke,
Thank you for your detailed comments, appreciated.  First things first - total brain fart on my part regarding the homonyms.  Embarrassed I missed that.  It's what I get for working and posting late.  Although, this one has been sitting pretty much as is for months in the rumination zone.  Mostly because there is an inner-inner story that I have been wanting to work in but haven't been able to find the right inspiration.  I am glad you got the inner story but I think the mouse metaphor might throw people a bit.  I will have to think about how to work in some subtle clues.
Thanks again,
Bryn