Immigrants

[brynmawr1]

Immigrants                Glad you went back to the original title.  Makes it much more topical.

As a red sun rises on the fringes of the horizon
we pause from fishing, looking up from our nets,
bewildered by the strange sight of wooden crosses,          nice subtle imagery to introduce the religious element.
laced with ropes, that tower above large ships
looming over the shore.

Smaller boats cut through the morning mist,
closing in from the breakers, bearing peculiar looking men
who unfurl colorful banners as they kneel in the sand,
raising arms to some unknown god. They greet us
with eyes full of wonder, and hands full of steel.          Again, nice imagery to subtly flesh out the story.

....they kneel in the sand.
Arms raised to some unknown god, they greet us..

Immigrants in the New World

An ominous red sun rises
on the fringes
of the eastern horizon.

A wary band of fishermen
look up from their nets,
bewildered by the strange sight

of wooden crosses, laced with ropes,
towering above massive ships
that loom over the shore.

As dense morning mist dissipates
along the beach, two smaller boats
close in from the churning breakers

bearing peculiar looking pale men
wearing unusual clothes, who unfurl
bright, colorful banners.

They lay claim to our land
as they kneel in the sand, proclaiming
the will of an almighty god.




Immigrants in the New World

An ominous red sun rises
on the fringes
of the eastern horizon.

A wary band of fishermen
look up from their nets,
bewildered by the strange sight

of wooden crosses, laced with ropes,
that tower above majestic ships
looming over the shore.

As the salty morning mist
parts, two smaller boats
close in from the breakers

bearing peculiar, pale men,
with unusual headgear, who unfurl
bright, colorful banners,

loudly laying claim
in the unfamiliar language
of their almighty God.

Hi Mark,

As previously noted, this is a difficult task you've taken on.  I like some of the changes you've made, particularly the title and the ending, but I feel the poem still suffers from some vague word choices that I have bolded above.  This topic feels like something you need to address starting askance then focusing in for the end.  If I could do it, I would have better insight.
Take care,
bryn