Immigrants

[busker]

Immigrants in the New World

An ominous red sun rises ...ominous and red...cliched. the first of too many adjectives
on the fringes
of the eastern horizon. ...cliched and weak: the sun does rise from the east, up from the horizon.

A wary band of fishermen  ...do we need to know the 'fisher' and the 'wary'?
look up from their nets,
bewildered by the strange sight  ... isn't this implied by the subsequent lines? maybe best to leave it unsaid?

of wooden crosses, laced with ropes,  ... good line
towering above massive ships  ... something other than 'massive'? do we need this cliched adjective?
that loom over the shore.

As dense morning mist dissipates  ...the 'dense mist' of the morning is another cliche
along the beach, two smaller boats  ...this is confusing detail, almost like a screenplay
close in from the churning breakers  ...cliched...breakers are always 'churning'

bearing peculiar looking pale men  ...'peculiar' - not needed. implied
wearing unusual clothes, who unfurl  ...describe the clothes?
bright, colorful banners.  ...are both adjectives necessary?

They lay claim to our land  ... who is / are the narrators? if the fishermen, they wouldn't know this part
as they kneel in the sand, proclaiming
the will of an almighty god.  ...the ending is nice

Immigrants in the New World

An ominous red sun rises
on the fringes
of the eastern horizon.

A wary band of fishermen
look up from their nets,
bewildered by the strange sight

of wooden crosses, laced with ropes,
that tower above majestic ships
looming over the shore.

As the salty morning mist
parts, two smaller boats
close in from the breakers

bearing peculiar, pale men,
with unusual headgear, who unfurl
bright, colorful banners,

loudly laying claim
in the unfamiliar language
of their almighty God.

Hi Mark - this is just the sort of poem that might benefit from Intensive crit. The central idea and the irony of it all has been done to death, but there are always fresh things to say about this first contact. The thing is, I find that this poem might work best as a short poem of maybe 8-10 lines. There is so much that has been said already, that mere hints are enough.