02-05-2023, 11:24 AM
Hi busker-
I very much like this revision, and feel you are getting very close now. I few comments:
What they saw (Edit 1.0)
1: Olive*
Fruit from the tree of life I'd re-arrange the line breaks
I bring, to spread the taste
of worlds to come, and words
borne fruit. I think the part I struck doesn't add anything.
In him I saw the daylight, Maybe 'new light' or something like that, once the scales are removed from Paul's eyes.
Ananias,
emerging from the tomb. I suggest 'tomb', as Paul adamantly preaches the resurrection after his road to Damascus conversion.
2: Yggdrasil * Be consistent with the *
The nine worlds are
its reach,
with room for the gods,
even unto their doom.
Sun eludes the rider
travelling in its shade for days,
which is nothing,
even a hundred years
is nothing.
3: Kalpavriksha *
It came out of the sea,
the churning ocean
bearing precious gifts:
eternal life, bartered and stolen,
and death,
but for the blue throated one.
4: Bodhi *
But not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
Nothing awaits them
through endless cycles of grief,
and the search for a house
that’s a stranger to sorrow.
5: Zaqqum *
For the rest is a fire prepared -
for man and jinn -
one not overtaken
by sleep
watching over them
I'm familiar with Christianity, but not as familiar with the other faith traditions your poem speaks to. I appreciate your search; your research.
Though I agree with most of them, I suggest re-working some of your line breaks.
Thought provoking piece, busker.
Thanks,
Mark
I very much like this revision, and feel you are getting very close now. I few comments:
What they saw (Edit 1.0)
1: Olive*
Fruit from the tree of life I'd re-arrange the line breaks
I bring, to spread the taste
of worlds to come, and words
borne fruit. I think the part I struck doesn't add anything.
In him I saw the daylight, Maybe 'new light' or something like that, once the scales are removed from Paul's eyes.
Ananias,
emerging from the tomb. I suggest 'tomb', as Paul adamantly preaches the resurrection after his road to Damascus conversion.
2: Yggdrasil * Be consistent with the *
The nine worlds are
its reach,
with room for the gods,
even unto their doom.
Sun eludes the rider
travelling in its shade for days,
which is nothing,
even a hundred years
is nothing.
3: Kalpavriksha *
It came out of the sea,
the churning ocean
bearing precious gifts:
eternal life, bartered and stolen,
and death,
but for the blue throated one.
4: Bodhi *
But not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
Nothing awaits them
through endless cycles of grief,
and the search for a house
that’s a stranger to sorrow.
5: Zaqqum *
For the rest is a fire prepared -
for man and jinn -
one not overtaken
by sleep
watching over them
I'm familiar with Christianity, but not as familiar with the other faith traditions your poem speaks to. I appreciate your search; your research.
Though I agree with most of them, I suggest re-working some of your line breaks.
Thought provoking piece, busker.
Thanks,
Mark