01-22-2023, 03:01 AM
(01-20-2023, 03:56 PM)busker Wrote: I’ve been struggling with this for months, so thought I’d workshop it.I know you are going to let this simmer, but I assume it's still open for comments.
What they saw
Fruit
from the tree of life I bring
to spread the taste of worlds
to come, and words
borne fruit. did you mean words borne by fruit? I think word borne fruit ....
Sun eludes the rider,
travelling in its shade
for days. Yggdrasil The World Tree? instead of using a proper name.
called, and in the wind its leaves called to the rider? if or not, needs to be shown who receives the call
sing the churning oceans.
Its shade stretches.
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
But daylight, Ananias,
I saw in him,
emerging from the womb. This stanza is pretty cryptic for this reader.
Not being born, Ananda,
is the greatest gift of all.
They set no store here or in heaven,
No fire prepared
for man or jinn,
by the one who never sleeps
watching over them These lines here left me baffled as well
Footnotes:
1) https://sunnah.com/muslim/53/9
2) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalpavriksha
3) https://quran411.com/ayatul-kursi
I assumed the footnotes were just to give us some insight into your sources, and not to be part of the final poem. I checked them out (admittedly briefly), they helped but even with them I can't put all those lines together into a coherent whole. I only skimmed Mark's comments, so maybe repeating stuff here.
All that said, it's a very interesting read and I do hope to see here your next version.
TqB

