01-21-2023, 08:58 AM
Hi busker-
Below I pulled the parts that struck me, and also made some comments:
from the tree of life I bring
the taste of worlds
to come
More description of the tree, here, would help this reader. Unless I know that Yggdrasil is a sacred tree, I stop and am perplexed. More about the mysterious rider would be good, as well.
in the wind its leaves
sing the churning oceans. 'like churning' instead of 'the churning'?
Its shade stretches
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
Not being born
is the greatest gift of all.
the one who never sleeps
watching over them
I think the tone/subject of the footnotes needs to be reflected within the body of the poem. It's a bit of 'cheating' to expect that readers will need to digest the notes to better understand the poem: the poem should stand on it's own.
If possible, the title might be able to convey a bit of the subject, in lieu of the notes.
The mixing of spiritual/faith tradition metaphors confuses me- not sure how you can solve that. Might I suggest a dialogue style? Or even a monologue? A conversational style may help.
You are trying to cover a lot of ground, busker, and I have a hard time pulling out of the shade (of Yggdrasil) in order for the light to appear in my mind's eye.
Maybe you should try to approach it from another angle.
Since you mentioned that you have been struggling with this one, I thought that I should let know you that I took notice. I don't know that I've been much help, but I wanted to at least leave you with some the impressions I got from your poem.
I know that you're savvy enough to get this one to work. Let it sit, and simmer, and try to read it anew. Good luck,
...Mark
Below I pulled the parts that struck me, and also made some comments:
from the tree of life I bring
the taste of worlds
to come
More description of the tree, here, would help this reader. Unless I know that Yggdrasil is a sacred tree, I stop and am perplexed. More about the mysterious rider would be good, as well.
in the wind its leaves
sing the churning oceans. 'like churning' instead of 'the churning'?
Its shade stretches
immense as the darkness of the tomb.
Not being born
is the greatest gift of all.
the one who never sleeps
watching over them
I think the tone/subject of the footnotes needs to be reflected within the body of the poem. It's a bit of 'cheating' to expect that readers will need to digest the notes to better understand the poem: the poem should stand on it's own.
If possible, the title might be able to convey a bit of the subject, in lieu of the notes.
The mixing of spiritual/faith tradition metaphors confuses me- not sure how you can solve that. Might I suggest a dialogue style? Or even a monologue? A conversational style may help.
You are trying to cover a lot of ground, busker, and I have a hard time pulling out of the shade (of Yggdrasil) in order for the light to appear in my mind's eye.
Maybe you should try to approach it from another angle.
Since you mentioned that you have been struggling with this one, I thought that I should let know you that I took notice. I don't know that I've been much help, but I wanted to at least leave you with some the impressions I got from your poem.
I know that you're savvy enough to get this one to work. Let it sit, and simmer, and try to read it anew. Good luck,
...Mark