01-14-2023, 11:55 PM
Hi Tim-
This poem is spread out like the land under the sky over Texas, and it's a very cool experiment of yours.
sun splattered silver peso behind cloud
over 'cloud over' ? Seems like you went singular to avoid 'cloud cover', and disrupts my reading. 'clouds over' , I think would would work better- the space between 'over' and 'head' is good: implies clouds.
cerulean promise sounds so cool when spoken out loud
we imagine Please don't tell me what to imagine. Either change 'we' to 'I' , or lose this line- the telling is interupting the showing.
death’s glue this // double accent spondee works well
death’s glue, a thousand glances long death can't 'glue' and 'glance' at the same time : the mixed metaphor throws glue in my eye. Maybe 'death's glue pulling against rotting wood' ? and just leave out the glancing part.
simply told lose this thow-away line as it adds nothing. This telling once again interupts the showing- present the images unobstructed.
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories this line is simply fantastic
versus crow eyed, revolving surrender 'versus crow eyed' needs to be re-thought, as it confuses and blows the ending for me. 'revolving surrender' must stay, though.
Thanks for this one, Tim- only a couple tweeks away from done,
Mark
This poem is spread out like the land under the sky over Texas, and it's a very cool experiment of yours.
sun splattered silver peso behind cloud
over 'cloud over' ? Seems like you went singular to avoid 'cloud cover', and disrupts my reading. 'clouds over' , I think would would work better- the space between 'over' and 'head' is good: implies clouds.
cerulean promise sounds so cool when spoken out loud
we imagine Please don't tell me what to imagine. Either change 'we' to 'I' , or lose this line- the telling is interupting the showing.
death’s glue this // double accent spondee works well
death’s glue, a thousand glances long death can't 'glue' and 'glance' at the same time : the mixed metaphor throws glue in my eye. Maybe 'death's glue pulling against rotting wood' ? and just leave out the glancing part.
simply told lose this thow-away line as it adds nothing. This telling once again interupts the showing- present the images unobstructed.
restless scars itch to tell
unending green stories this line is simply fantastic
versus crow eyed, revolving surrender 'versus crow eyed' needs to be re-thought, as it confuses and blows the ending for me. 'revolving surrender' must stay, though.
Thanks for this one, Tim- only a couple tweeks away from done,
Mark