Draft 2: Day Off

[alonso ramoran]

Again and in between when we converge,
the moment drifts into the distance with the crows,
cawing over breakfast litter in the parking lot
as white-hot time above begins to burn
away the morning dew. I make my bed
with only the necessary folds, let an hour pass
before drinking coffee to avoid an afternoon crash,
and scroll through social media. After an hour,
I rewatch a show through someone else's tears
and laughter while I sip the coffee cold. Then
when it's time to clean, I vacuum, water a prayer
into the rotting bonsai, do the laundry,
dust the furniture but forget the fan as it spins       I really like the poem up to here, reminds me a bit of Haruki Murikama, tho he's a novelist.
for another day, another day like a poem
of clichés, unseen by the lover addressed
and forgotten in the baseboard.                            

I didn't care for this ending.  Hard to explain what it is that is bugging me.  Maybe too poetic after the careful detail of the previous lines, too airy, too big a switch to a kind of long simile.  Thinking aloud here...

               

Interesting that it reminds you of Haruki Murakami. I've actually been reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles so that should explain it. As for the ending, I don't really know how else to end it that still gets across the same message. I'm open to suggestions and in the meantime I'll try to think of alternatives.

Thank you,
Alex