12-16-2022, 08:12 AM
Hi busker-
I've made some in-line comments below. I would really like to feel more moodiness in this piece.
Moon enters
Moon enters
through double glazed windows, evokes glazed eyes (if without the 'double')
spreads on the smooth white sheet Spreads is just too generic for what's going on.
of my half empty bed. 'your empty side of the' bed' ?
I ponder her shepherd boy, 'ponder ' just doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe something like 'envision' ?
as green as the valleys, a comma instead of a period? Singular 'valley'? I am led to believe that you think there's something happening in that 'valley'- like 'tending to'?
and Tamino, inflamed with love
on a starry night This line falls flat. Something needed here that better invokes the music of that artist, and the implied feeling of melancholy that I perceive.
I've made some in-line comments below. I would really like to feel more moodiness in this piece.
Moon enters
Moon enters
through double glazed windows, evokes glazed eyes (if without the 'double')
spreads on the smooth white sheet Spreads is just too generic for what's going on.
of my half empty bed. 'your empty side of the' bed' ?
I ponder her shepherd boy, 'ponder ' just doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe something like 'envision' ?
as green as the valleys, a comma instead of a period? Singular 'valley'? I am led to believe that you think there's something happening in that 'valley'- like 'tending to'?
and Tamino, inflamed with love
on a starry night This line falls flat. Something needed here that better invokes the music of that artist, and the implied feeling of melancholy that I perceive.