December Evening (new title)

[TranquillityBase]

Hi TqB,

I like the original better than your rewrite above.

how about for L2  "while/as remnants flutter and tilt".  I also thought changing 'with' to 'of' in L3 might be intriguing.  While I'm at it, how about '..., leaves raining' in L2.  The down part is sort of implied.

Happy Tuesday!

Bryn

Like this?  Got a little lost in your changes.

Dusk breeze, leaves raining
while remnants flutter and tilt
shadows of black wings.

I was going to change title to December Evening.