12-13-2022, 07:40 AM
Hi Notch-
I am OK witth the title, but you sure take the long way around to making your point. I think you can cut the first several stanzas and pick it up here:
Against False Dichotomies
There are some conditions
that are almost always fatal,
although there are those occasions where the child 'those' is not needed
is born breathing, crying, seeking out
its mother's touch, its mother's milk, and only
after a number of days does its soul
realize its place in the body Is a soul really in a body? I don't know either.
is worse than a prison, there are
no doors nor windows, so the heart
spontaneously stops. maybe 'just' instead of 'spontaneously'
The child dies. At no point would the mother I know the child has died
think she just lost a mere mass of cells
or some other kind of parasite---she lost don't think you need the parasite part
a child---and yet
misguided faith subjects her to the sight
of exposed brains, of a skull
less than half the proper size,
of a struggle to breathe
for which the only miracle
is a more merciful death. (just a suggestion for an ending)
is a death by hours, not days---
I think you can still maintain the quatrains while paying better attention to your line breaks- several of them seem haphazard.
I appreciate that you have tackled such a difficult subject.
Thanks-
Mark
I am OK witth the title, but you sure take the long way around to making your point. I think you can cut the first several stanzas and pick it up here:
Against False Dichotomies
There are some conditions
that are almost always fatal,
although there are those occasions where the child 'those' is not needed
is born breathing, crying, seeking out
its mother's touch, its mother's milk, and only
after a number of days does its soul
realize its place in the body Is a soul really in a body? I don't know either.
is worse than a prison, there are
no doors nor windows, so the heart
spontaneously stops. maybe 'just' instead of 'spontaneously'
The child dies. At no point would the mother I know the child has died
think she just lost a mere mass of cells
or some other kind of parasite---she lost don't think you need the parasite part
a child---and yet
misguided faith subjects her to the sight
of exposed brains, of a skull
less than half the proper size,
of a struggle to breathe
for which the only miracle
is a more merciful death. (just a suggestion for an ending)
is a death by hours, not days---
I think you can still maintain the quatrains while paying better attention to your line breaks- several of them seem haphazard.
I appreciate that you have tackled such a difficult subject.
Thanks-
Mark