11-28-2022, 05:15 PM
Hi Z
This piece didn't engage me. The tone is just very samey, and it seems to just want to describe a scene that isn't of any great interest. It feels to me like an exercise rather than an actual poem. I hope that isn't too harsh - just trying to give you a sense of my perspective as a reader when I encounter the poem.
Best of luck with it.
Trev
This piece didn't engage me. The tone is just very samey, and it seems to just want to describe a scene that isn't of any great interest. It feels to me like an exercise rather than an actual poem. I hope that isn't too harsh - just trying to give you a sense of my perspective as a reader when I encounter the poem.
Best of luck with it.
Trev
(11-23-2022, 01:47 AM)ZHamilton Wrote: At the edges, the fabric frays.
Rivulets of water wander through sage grass like loose threads. Quite a nice image
Burned out cars and abandoned busses are strewn like driftwood caught in a cruel tide
on the side of the 101. This image feels like it tries too hard
Several birch trees huddle together.
Foliage mostly stripped. Exposed branches reach toward the tents pitched just off the road.
The waves break strangely here. Sudden The waves breaking strangely might be the most interesting part of your poem, but then the explanation of sudden and violent takes that away, as waves breaking suddenly and violently doesn't seem strange to me. "The waves break strangely here" would be a very good opening line, in any case
and violent.
A crow’s skeleton rests on a small island of rock. Its wings outstretched.
The sand is everywhere. I'm not sure how to take this, how literally or not. I can't picture the sand. Is it covering everything on the ground, covering grass, concrete, etc.?
Each grain working its way into the cloth of this odd tapestry. At the edges
where the fabric frays.