Row 6

[TranquillityBase]

Our third plane trip together,

my daughter is fascinated by fields

miles below, a stained-glass patchwork

of various greens and yellows.

I’m more aware of the man in row 6

with black hair and a grey streak like thin cloud.  a comma after hair, drop the "and"

 

He’s been watching us, his eyes

glazed in naked thought,

dreaming of my daughter

as she sits happily by my side.

Perhaps he sees another, never realised.

 

In his heavy mouth, I see

a love that saw its end in talk         Really fine lines here

Don’t regret, I tell him,

that you’ll never suffer the dark moods

of mangled sleep, nights blent

into mornings and watercolour weeks.    Though I like these lines, what you might say to him, they would be cold comfort to someone who longed to have a child.  Not sure what you could say instead, but something more to the point, that not all can be blessed with a child.

 

He’ll never hear me,

but, as if on cue,

my daughter whips up a storm of whining.

The trolley approaches,

shaped more like an apartment block,

all manner of sweet souls ready to jump off.       I think these lines don't add much (although it's a humorous aside, that I guess, lightens the mood, if you think you need that)

 

He watches still

as she kisses me,

plucking her spoils from a bag of Maltesers.

Be happy with who you are, I tell him,            Again, I think kind of advice would only deepen his sadness; I'd either drop it, or come up with something more pointed.

and I imagine myself in his seat:

row 6, by the window,

without anyone to attend to.     

 

How sad to imagine,

as I am me,

and my daughter is by my side,

just how it should be.



[I think the last verse should be deleted. What do ye think? Thanks for any feedback ye can give.]   I'd agree the last stanza could be dropped.

Welcome to the Forum Trevor,

A fine poem about an important subject.  Hope my comments re: your silent consolations to the man in row 6 do not seem too presumptuous.  My wife and I went through 5 years of fertility treatments (we were successful in the end), so I have some brief experience with the topic, thus I have strong feelings about the kinds of things people would say to us before we were sucessful.  

Thanks for sharing.

TqB