10-15-2022, 03:18 AM
Hi Bryn,
I really enjoy the edits you've made so far, especially the newly added stanzas since the first draft. Once you've reworked the title, I think the opening stanza could be modified in turn. I'll pull from Stephen Dobyns', "Next Word, Better Word," here: "...nothing can be built up unless the very first words of the poem affect the break with the reader's actual environment..." I think the rose dusted sky is a beautiful image, but the way it is introduced feels simply like a musing that doesn't drive me to read further. Glad I did, though. Thanks for posting!
I really enjoy the edits you've made so far, especially the newly added stanzas since the first draft. Once you've reworked the title, I think the opening stanza could be modified in turn. I'll pull from Stephen Dobyns', "Next Word, Better Word," here: "...nothing can be built up unless the very first words of the poem affect the break with the reader's actual environment..." I think the rose dusted sky is a beautiful image, but the way it is introduced feels simply like a musing that doesn't drive me to read further. Glad I did, though. Thanks for posting!
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe