Birth of a Poet(edit) no new title yet

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve- I didn't change any words, but subtracted many. (ps. you need a new title):

Born with the sun
under a rose-dusted sky.

Caught between dream
and mind split;

a glimpse of what exists
at the seams of the world.

Standing before the mirror,
windows unshaded.

Whittled, cut to heartwood;
made beautiful?

Reborn to bleed; to hunger
for your own blood.

Hi Mark,
Thanks for the 'penknifing'!  I always appreciate your read on what you find most impactful.  Yes, the title seems to be a common sticking point.  Work in progress.
Take care,
bryn

---

What it is to be
born with the sun
under a rose-dusted sky
 
caught between the dream
and not, a mind split
by that cutting light, 
 
mysterious; a glimpse 
of shadowed edges,
what exists at the seams
of the world.
 
Alone, standing revealed
before the mirror, 
windows unshaded.
 
Then whittled.
Cut to find the heartwood,
their penknives so sharp;
trimmed, shaped, made beautiful?
Something reborn.
 
To bleed
in that birthing.
 
To find that hunger
for your own blood.


This is a poem I have reworked formerly titled "Critique".

In moderate critique, my first difficulty is the title.  The subject (even the viewpoint character here), it seems to me, is the poem rather than the poet.  Hence it is birth by or from rather than of.  In the title, though, "Birth From a Poet" doesn't work... perhaps something like "Born From a Poet?"

A small suggestion would be to separate "penknives" into "pen knives" or "pen-knives," suggesting the correcting instruments of pre-digital editors and critics (the expression used in the military of my time, upon seeing a report or communique red-penciled profusely by an instructor or commander, was "he bled all over it").

My other suggestion is to add a stanza suggesting the loss of whole body parts - words, phrases, even (Heaven help us) rhymes, along with more fluid and replaceable blood.  Turning a Petrarchan sonnet into free verse, or vice-versa, is a transition that puts humans dissatisfied with their birth sex to shame.

(Now I'll go back and view the other critics' bladework   )

Hi Duke,
Thank you for reading and offering your insight.  The title seems to be a common issue.  Will work on that.  I have been toying with a dissection type stanza.  My sticking point is transitioning from 'whittling' to amputation.  I do like your editing story of the 'bled all over it' image.  My current issue is trying to blend the origin story of me starting to write poetry with the actual writing of poetry while blurring the line between poet and poem in the critiquing process.  Forum aside, any further insight is appreciated.
take care,
bryn