Birth of a Poet(edit) no new title yet

[Semicircle]

What it is to be
born with the sun
under a rose-dusted sky
 
caught between the dream
and not, a mind split              No a — an em dash would incorporate a split in the writing.
by that cutting light,             You already have split and between, use a different descriptor for the light.
 
mysterious; a glimpse            Mysterious could be vaporous or amorphous. These shadows aren't definite.
of shadowed edges,              Shadowed edges, like a penumbra, which just has a poetic ring to it.
what exists at the seams
of the world.
 
Alone, standing revealed            
before the mirror, 
windows unshaded.             Open to the world, vulnerable.        
 
Then whittled.
Cutting to find the heartwood,                              
their penknives so sharp;
trimmed, shaped, made beautiful?                       This is the best stanza; brutal.
Something reborn.
 
To bleed
in that birth ing.

To find that thirsting    
for your own blood.                  You don't discover your thirst; it is an immediate realization.


This is a poem I have reworked formerly titled "Critique".

"That" is often used in poetry, like someone is pointing at the subject. I can't see it. Beowulf says "that" between every line, it is tedious. Watch out for that.

This poem needs better descriptive and dramatic wording to have more impact. S5 stands above the others. Don't be afraid to really dig your knuckles into this one, it seems appropriate.

This was a pleasure to critique, there is a lot of potential.
Sc