09-27-2022, 03:40 AM
(09-26-2022, 01:55 PM)ZHamilton Wrote: She’s already awake whenI really like the repetition....I've made some suggestions on word choices. It flows well to a nice closing line.
the morning sun cleaves the curtains. finds cracks in? fragments? the sun isn't actually parting the curtains as "cleave" would imply
She turns to the one beside her,
a single beam across his face.
The morning sun cleaves the curtains.
The days somehow stretch fore and aft. before and after? fore and aft, with its nautical implications, doesn't seem to fit to me
A single beam across his face.
Nothing light can show anew. is new?
The days somehow stretch fore and aft
Rehearsal for an empty house.
Her thoughts a hemisphere away.
Another lies in another bed.
Rehearsal for an empty house.
The motions now are all for show.
And shows, of course, shows must go on.
On until the curtains close.
TqB