Christmas future
#2
(09-18-2022, 07:45 AM)Semicircle Wrote:  
This is what you would become
had I not shown the future.
I’ll give you the choice–
will you defy nature
to further your own ends
or will you bear responsibility?
Either way, I can trust on you
to make the wrong decision.
I really like the setup (first three lines), but not so much the choices or the conclusion.  Just too much of a downer.  Maybe if you could consense it more:

I'll give you the choice-
defy nature
or bear responsibility?

As for the conclusion, I'm not going to put words in your mouth.....I'd even say cut the conclusion.

Just my 2 cents/sense,
Thanks for the read of both poems.
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Messages In This Thread
Christmas future - by Semicircle - 09-18-2022, 07:45 AM
RE: Christmas Future - by TranquillityBase - 09-18-2022, 09:04 AM
RE: Christmas Future - by dukealien - 09-23-2022, 03:53 AM
RE: Christmas Future - by Semicircle - 09-24-2022, 11:24 AM



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