Draft 5: Shell

[ZHamilton]

Like the distant sounding of the nightly train,
the day reverberates through joints and muscles,
into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.

Memories that leave their scales in corners Enjoyed this imagery. 
unseen in our presence,
scurry into weeds that grew from pavement cracks
of the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.  This sentence has a lot going on (memories leaving scales, weeds growing from cracks, the sodium-lit street, etc.) and I wonder if breaking it into two sentences somehow would make the section more powerful by allowing the reader to savor the individual elements.

In the dislocation of today
from yesterday and you, those shopping crowds
did not diminish—we simply vanished
and it feels like This felt a bit uneven since it's the only simile introduced and the rest of the work uses such direct imagery. (Memories leaving their scales, etc.). Could be tightened with the above edit. 
those balloons that slipped into the sky
still roam the ether.  This is a close call to me, but "Ether" feels a bit bombastic for the tone of the rest of the poem. Maybe it's 50/50. 

But tonight, the moon's face basks in sunlight
with the peace that I'm reminded of
by a full tank's
click.      The onomonopia here really hits. Glad you made this change.  However, we come to rest, finally, on imagery from an automobile. Consider whether it makes sense to introduce the idea earlier in the poem. (Maybe there's an abandoned car in the supermarket parking lot, or some other allusion to the car). 




Feedback addressed and changes:

Draft 2

S1L1-L2: Omitted "dull pain" and swapped "from" with "through". Reverberation of the day suggests some pain already, especially if in the joints.
S2L1-L2: These lines were left alone. I understand that "sleeping lake" kind of leans into cliche, but I think that the way it is used is fine. Of course, if others begin to point this out as well, then I will make some changes.
S2-L1: "nearly" added to maintain consistency with the weeds whispering in S3L5.
S2L3: "Illuminating" is rewritten as "that illuminates" to indicate it is the memory, not the pavement, that illuminates the darkness past the street.
S2L5: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium-vapor_lamp
S3L1: The phrase "stark detachment" has been swapped for "dislocation". At first, only "stark" was omitted, but "detachment" didn't have the immediacy in action I was looking for and it felt bland. "Dislocation" took its place because it has that immediacy and also other implications that I feel match the poem's themes. Hopefully, this change promotes a smoother read.
S3L5: "Whispers" changed to "whisper" to resolve the grammatical error.
Draft 1, S3L7: The entire line was cut to shorten the sentence and hopefully make it easier to understand. I feel like it is suggested enough that the N is staring out into a dark parking lot (S2L4), so this line was unnecessary.
S3L7: "Wander" was swapped for "roam" because it simply sounded better, in my opinion.
S4L1: "Ghostly" was omitted in agreement with Wjames' feedback. The term may also steer the reader into different interpretations that are not intended.
S4L4: This line was left as is. If it were to be placed anywhere else within the poem, then I would understand the critique that it breaks the flow of the poem. But, it is at the end of the poem, where the poem is at the end of its flow. I think that feeling of breaking the poem's flow is actually the effect of snapping the reader out of this reverie, which is intended so I find it difficult to remove this line.

Draft 2: Shell

Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates through joints,
into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.

Pavement, nearly silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament that illuminates
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.

In the dislocation of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whisper that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
still roam the ether.

But tonight, the moon's face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.


Draft 1: Shell

Like the distant sounding of a train,
the day reverberates dull pain
from joints, into a sky where all the stars
have been replaced with one that blinks tiredly
from a radio tower.

Pavement, silent with the stillness
of a sleeping lake, bears memories
like a loon's lament, illuminating
the abandoned lot and supermarket past
the sodium-lit street.

In the stark detachment of today
from yesterday and you, those crowds
did not diminish---instead we vanished.
And the weeds that burgeoned
from our echoed silhouettes, whispers that
the balloons that slipped into the clouds
on the way to parked cars
still wander the ether.

But tonight, the moon's ghostly face
basks in sunlight with the peace
a full tank brings
with a click.