Island Song

[brynmawr1]

I thought I oughta roll one out for the harvest moon. 

Thanks Steve,

If I move L.2 back to L.1 it might read smoother. I had it that way previously, but wanted to make it feel a bit more disjointed. Short ones like these make it very difficult to break the lines for intended effect. I obviously over-think these things.  I may go back to my original formatting, below:

Watch out how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso trips so many
fools,
strips off all
disguises.


Thanks Tim,
Couldn't resist the 'Calypso / trips so' rhyme. While I must admit that 'reveals' works well with the 'L' sounds, that 2 syllable word would screw up the rthymn.  I don't have a great solution.

Anywho,
Thanks for the comments guys

There is a lot of nice sonics going on which is great and I think I like the original line breaks read better, although the syntax is still a bit off for me.  As far as S2, how about

Calypso strips so many
fools
of all their disguises.

Loses the 'trips' 'strips' rhyme but reads a little smoother to me.  It's hard cause there is so much give and take in these things.
Gotta go. My cat is hanging on the screen to come in.

later,
steve