09-12-2022, 03:04 AM
(09-11-2022, 11:23 PM)s3 Wrote: HeatThis piece can do without rhymes, they slow down the story.
On his way home, the auctioneer feels a thump in the car
and pulls over to the side of the road.
There's a short breeze crackling through the trees, fire, Given the context of crackling breeze, you could allude to a forest fire without directly stating it.
he gets out and stands, fire, examines the tire, This bolded section could be shortened. It's giving a play by play. perhaps the tire has melted on the concrete?
it's gone flat. His heart is hammering in his chest.
Racing season. His wife: why do they run in circles?
holding a sweating glass in one hand, shading her eyes favorite line
with the other. She stands there. Stuck in the tragedy of her past. What tragedy?
Sweat drips down his eyelash. The day is unimaginably bright
in memory. The yellow smile, the crack of a whip, I can't gather what you are portraying. These all seem to be vague descriptors.
the hard path. She turns to ask him another question,
shoulders flexing in the heat of the sun.
To see the rot in a living thing; to speak it. He bends
towards the trampled grass. The long flank, the ripple in the surface.
Above his lurching body
the world fills with amber. Sunset kills them all. This ending would have more impact if there was more backstory; I'm left to make my own conclusions.
I especially like the imagery; the wife seems to have sent these flames upon her husband. A malevolent force-- possibly imagined.
What is the significance of the auctioneer?
I'm unsure if the forest fire is real or metaphor. I get the feeling the flames are being incurred from the auctioneer's wife. Maybe he is lamenting his past in his final moments? Either way, I feel more puzzled than satisfied plot wise.
Cheers for the read!
Sc.

