Still Life (edit)

[brynmawr1]

Hi Steve-

this one is too much telling and not enough showing. It really needs concrete images, and something to animate it, such as people, animals, even plants.

As it is, it presents as too ‘preachy’.

I recognize these things because I have a tendency toward it.  It’s always harder for me to add details that flesh out the story (and poems really are like stories). 

What story was the idea that inspired this? If there wasn’t one, it perfectly fine to weave fiction around a few facts.

Otherwise, the poem’s fine for what it is.

Hi again,
I've been thinking more about your suggestion of adding details.  Are you suggesting that I try to weave some type of allegorical story or add some detail to some of the observations

eg "punishes the widow in her grief"?

Take care,
steve