Still Life (edit)

[brynmawr1]

Very much like your revision, and that's a smashing ending.

My only comment is, I trip over:


where all clocks stop
    with dangled puppet.


dangled puppets?  or is it referring to the narrator?

Hi TqB,
Glad you liked the ending.  That line is a homage to a poem by Emily Dickinson called "A Clock Stopped"  where she refers to the clock's pendulum as a puppet on a string.  Read the poem and let me know if you think my reference crosses a line.

Thanks

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Hi Steve-

this one is too much telling and not enough showing. It really needs concrete images, and something to animate it, such as people, animals, even plants.

As it is, it presents as too ‘preachy’.

I recognize these things because I have a tendency toward it.  It’s always harder for me to add details that flesh out the story (and poems really are like stories). 

What story was the idea that inspired this? If there wasn’t one, it perfectly fine to weave fiction around a few facts.

Otherwise, the poem’s fine for what it is.

Hi Mark,
Thanks for you insight.  To be honest, I don't remember the specific thing that got it started.  It sort of morphed as I was writing it and doing my own edits.  The basic theme was thwarting time and as the original ending indicated meant to be more tongue and cheek.  Ended up being more serious then I end up trying to say too much.  
Thanks again,
steve