Weight as Fate - edit, title change

[dukealien]

edit;

Weight as Fate


Gravity fails not
nor varies, yet wind blows;
breath and birds defy it
while they live
each cast-off feather falling
to its waiting rest
unforeseeable, unique.

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Thanks to both critics; very pleased the ideas got across and were appreciated.

Despite this being so short (or because it is?) I find myself hemmed in when I try to apply the critiques.  For example, I had to stick with "while" in L4 to suggest duration, which cascades back.  Still not satisfied with the title:  it tells rather than shows, and now seems a little flippant with the rhyme (but "Gravity as Destiny" is worse... "Fate as Weight?")

Things that came to mind after writing but while revising:  the angel feather motif in "Forrest Gump" and the [in]famous "death is lighter than a feather" from the Imperial Rescript.

Probably the worst trap is the first line:  I dislike inversions, but can't find an alternative.  At best, its archaism might put the reader in a serious frame of mind.