Woodview Avenue 1960
#2
(07-09-2022, 12:51 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  There’s no mistaking our sins
walking the cooling asphalt at twilight
misleading us into a summer night
with rumors of an escaped madman     possible cliche here.  gossip/prattle?  unhinged madman?  wayward madman?  escaped bedlamite?
who scratches at our screens with a butcher knife.

Behind a jumble of decrepit rabbit hutches
a root wrecked wall in our backyard     root-wrecked?
protects us from secrets sliding down the hillside.
The snake climbing through the trees     climbing seems awkward.  slithering might be better and more alliterative with snake.  May want to use specifics here.  Like "Cobra" (considered the smartest of all snakes).  May want to be specific with "trees".  Maybe something symbolic (evergreens symbolize immortality, for example).
offers no promises of knowledge or power.

We’ve always lived here, no neighbors
to know us for what we are.  We listen     may want to end this line with "We" and put "listen" on the next line (reason below)
to the sounds of distant radios, and watch  may want to end this line with "radios", and put "and watch" on the next line.  That way, every single line in your poem will end with a noun or pronoun.
dancing static on a black and white TV,
imagining its patterns will tell us when it’s time:

time to flee or make a final stand
or to burn a grandmother’s tattered Bible
just to see the flames.  This is home,
but its history rejects us, disbelieving liars,
for the pain of return, luring our street away forever.
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Messages In This Thread
Woodview Avenue 1960 - by TranquillityBase - 07-09-2022, 12:51 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by Torkelburger - 07-09-2022, 06:05 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by brynmawr1 - 07-09-2022, 06:54 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by TranquillityBase - 07-09-2022, 07:24 PM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by brynmawr1 - 07-09-2022, 10:28 PM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by Mark A Becker - 07-10-2022, 12:39 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by TranquillityBase - 07-10-2022, 10:32 PM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by rowens - 07-13-2022, 10:43 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by TranquillityBase - 07-16-2022, 08:47 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by Mark A Becker - 07-22-2022, 12:36 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by Knot - 07-15-2022, 07:39 PM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by Mark A Becker - 07-22-2022, 06:41 AM
RE: Woodview Avenue 1960 - by TranquillityBase - 07-22-2022, 09:31 PM



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