07-06-2022, 09:30 AM
You wipe lipstick
off your teeth
with a finger toothbrush,
Though I'd have from your teeth instead of off, it's not my poem.
I'd also have toothbrush finger.
Though finger toothbrush has character, shows some character of the speaker, and sets a tone.
I watch ash confetti
fall slowly in to the hearth,
snow flakes on a coal fire.
You lean forward
to slide on a red shoe
that was polished clean,
with spit from a dry mouth.
Nice rhythm here playing with nearly all monosyllables.
Nice, too, how you phantomly rhymed shoe with mouth using the conspicuous by its absence red tongue.
You smooth yourself thin
by breathing in,
the mirror above the mantle piece
watches your mouth hold a smile
That breathing in and thinning is an effective meditation technique.
Though it may be humor with the mirror and the smile.
Do you work broken compound words as your style?
but reflections won't let it be happy,
it falls back too quickly
to anxious.
That's a well enough way to say that.
It struck me to say it falls back too quickly anxious. I simply like the way things like that sound and feel.
You'll be alright ?
you ask like a statement
and I sigh and draw out a yes
so you think I will be.
Later when the door light
slices the two dark halves
of my bedroom,
I wonder if that came in the flow of words, or if the poem was built around that image.
you'll whisper loudly
he's asleep
and the second stair tread
will creak twice
as you touch my hair.
In the morning
we'll pour quiet milk on bland cereal,
quiet milk is a good touch. The pour of milk in the morning is quiet. The ears not fully awake. The quiet lowhanging mood time.
you'll carry your mothers guilt
I'm no editor. I don't like them.
while I try to sew fresh flowers
back on to your dressing gown.
I wonder about the try.
At supper time
you'll say we're alright
but it's really a question
and I'll sigh and draw out a yes
so you'll think I don't care.
It has good moments. Maybe a little too conversational at points? That was a question.
Ends with a dull thud. Maybe that's not bad.
That's all I know now.
off your teeth
with a finger toothbrush,
Though I'd have from your teeth instead of off, it's not my poem.
I'd also have toothbrush finger.
Though finger toothbrush has character, shows some character of the speaker, and sets a tone.
I watch ash confetti
fall slowly in to the hearth,
snow flakes on a coal fire.
You lean forward
to slide on a red shoe
that was polished clean,
with spit from a dry mouth.
Nice rhythm here playing with nearly all monosyllables.
Nice, too, how you phantomly rhymed shoe with mouth using the conspicuous by its absence red tongue.
You smooth yourself thin
by breathing in,
the mirror above the mantle piece
watches your mouth hold a smile
That breathing in and thinning is an effective meditation technique.
Though it may be humor with the mirror and the smile.
Do you work broken compound words as your style?
but reflections won't let it be happy,
it falls back too quickly
to anxious.
That's a well enough way to say that.
It struck me to say it falls back too quickly anxious. I simply like the way things like that sound and feel.
You'll be alright ?
you ask like a statement
and I sigh and draw out a yes
so you think I will be.
Later when the door light
slices the two dark halves
of my bedroom,
I wonder if that came in the flow of words, or if the poem was built around that image.
you'll whisper loudly
he's asleep
and the second stair tread
will creak twice
as you touch my hair.
In the morning
we'll pour quiet milk on bland cereal,
quiet milk is a good touch. The pour of milk in the morning is quiet. The ears not fully awake. The quiet lowhanging mood time.
you'll carry your mothers guilt
I'm no editor. I don't like them.
while I try to sew fresh flowers
back on to your dressing gown.
I wonder about the try.
At supper time
you'll say we're alright
but it's really a question
and I'll sigh and draw out a yes
so you'll think I don't care.
It has good moments. Maybe a little too conversational at points? That was a question.
Ends with a dull thud. Maybe that's not bad.
That's all I know now.