06-24-2022, 05:36 AM
I very much prefer the latest version over the previous ones.
The reason why you'd write in short lines of 3-4 words is to achieve a kind of rhythm.
In your first version, you had:
Errand and chore
always early risers,
clamor, to start my day.
Here, none of the lines are interesting on their own. Not only is each individual line devoid of any sonic or imagistic beauty, but you actually have to read 3 lines to make out what the poet is trying to say, which is irritating.
In your latest version, you have individual lines that make sense on their own.
That's far better.
The next step would be to make the poem about 'showing' and not 'telling' i.e. either write a song, or paint a picture.
So 'languid prowls' (cliche), 'in conversation with the wind' (cliched personification), 'verdant leaves' (cliche) etc should be the next things to work on....or you may practise on that sort of thing in your next poem.
The reason why you'd write in short lines of 3-4 words is to achieve a kind of rhythm.
In your first version, you had:
Errand and chore
always early risers,
clamor, to start my day.
Here, none of the lines are interesting on their own. Not only is each individual line devoid of any sonic or imagistic beauty, but you actually have to read 3 lines to make out what the poet is trying to say, which is irritating.
In your latest version, you have individual lines that make sense on their own.
That's far better.
The next step would be to make the poem about 'showing' and not 'telling' i.e. either write a song, or paint a picture.
So 'languid prowls' (cliche), 'in conversation with the wind' (cliched personification), 'verdant leaves' (cliche) etc should be the next things to work on....or you may practise on that sort of thing in your next poem.