06-24-2022, 02:04 AM
(06-17-2022, 11:40 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:Hi TqB,(06-16-2022, 11:21 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:Sunday Morning
Land and sea,
two bodies back to chest, This reads awkwardly for me, and I had to stop to puzzle it out a bit. I don't think it's even needed.
a tender embrace.
Amber light’s lazy caress on tranquil tides,time stretches to contentment. great lines
An arm washes over, I can see a wave upon the beach as an "arm", but it doesn't quite work for me. My first thought was you were referring to a body part washing up! So, maybe something else (you haven't already used "wave", so why not just "a wave washes over".....
finding its sandy shore;
reaching, holding, repeating.
The world slips away, Confused as to which is the world, the wave, the sand, or both intermixed and pulled into the deep?
our universe contained in a moment. Wonderful line
Separate but never separated.
Land and sea. great finish.
Thanks for your comments. I have made some changes. The second to last couplet is supposed to create the feeling of being totally focused on the moment which becomes your universe while the outer world (troubles, responsibilities) fade away. Open to suggestions!
Take care,
steve

