06-18-2022, 06:45 AM
We blinked like sleep could be denied
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
While/when are big deals. You chose correctly as far as I can see.
and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,
The titular subject matter, in this case: laundry related things, are always right on the the cusp of plus and minus in things/poems like this.
where vivid shades of blue could not abide.
Clouds dissipated in the clement song
These two lines, and the space between, are well done.
Some things need no explanation.
of moving chimes, revealing last night's moon
The chimes are right. The blue and the clouds. The ocean. No mention of wind or any circulating quality is wise here.
The moon, and I made a space in my critique on purpose, is better left absent here, too, as the wind. The noon
in its offrhyme takes the moon's presence here.
through questions sprouted from your backseat gaze.
And maybe I'm the only one who attests that the unmentioned moon is obvious in the halfrhymed noon and the backseat gaze.
And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon
I', not you, but me, d take out the word noon here
and leave the last line as it is. The whole stanza, except for that word.
forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.
while bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
While/when are big deals. You chose correctly as far as I can see.
and lavendered with dreams the sky you wore,
rinsed sand away, as castles by the tide.
Sidereal then and lunar now collide,
unseen by us; we heard it as the roar
of laundry drowning out a nascent shore,
The titular subject matter, in this case: laundry related things, are always right on the the cusp of plus and minus in things/poems like this.
where vivid shades of blue could not abide.
Clouds dissipated in the clement song
These two lines, and the space between, are well done.
Some things need no explanation.
of moving chimes, revealing last night's moon
The chimes are right. The blue and the clouds. The ocean. No mention of wind or any circulating quality is wise here.
The moon, and I made a space in my critique on purpose, is better left absent here, too, as the wind. The noon
in its offrhyme takes the moon's presence here.
through questions sprouted from your backseat gaze.
And maybe I'm the only one who attests that the unmentioned moon is obvious in the halfrhymed noon and the backseat gaze.
And would that I could watch you play along
the seagull's span a little longer, noon
I', not you, but me, d take out the word noon here
and leave the last line as it is. The whole stanza, except for that word.
forgets us as an untaut clothesline sways.