out of my element

[Mark A Becker]

Hello hh2-

"selling rain to umbrellas" is an interesting line.

all up in the room - with my silver spoon 
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom this line is not connected to lines before, or after
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom  this line is not connected to anything, either

Read the above lines to yourself and then consider what a reader is supposed to understand from them. 

Many of the rhymes seem disconnected from a cohesive subject: rhyming for the sake of rhyming makes it difficult for a reader to latch on to. 

The disjointed nature of this piece makes it very hard for this reader to make sense of.  Just as an exercise, eliminate the rhymes, and see what you're left with.

The capital "S" , "Sellers" seems to be a stretch for a dramatic ending, but the statement is confusing without prior context.

That's all a got, for now.
Mark   

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I still consider that some of the original rap lyrics came from none other than Bob Dylan, a couple million years ago.  His lyrics are dense with rhyming, and meaning. Check it out:

https://www.bobdylan.com/songs/its-alrig...-bleeding/

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it would be hard for a reader not knowing this background to know alot of this

Hello again-

I think that you could work enough background into this one to make it a bit easier for the reader to follow.  Let the rhymes flow naturally, because trying to force them in works against you (and by extension, the reader).

I did understand that you were probably Jewish, and feeling out of place.  Don't let the rhymes dictate how you express yourself.

Mark

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In the poem by Stanely Kunitz, linked below, the reader can sense his feelings of being an "outlier".  Without saying it outright, the reader understands that the boy's father isn't present. Though Kunitz wrote this as an old man, he provides enough background to give readers a feeling of how being fatherless impacted him, and his writing (very subtle, yet effective):
https://poetryarchive.org/poem/halleys-comet/

Or, this one:
https://poets.org/poem/portrait