06-12-2022, 01:07 AM
Hello hh2-
"selling rain to umbrellas" is an interesting line.
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom this line is not connected to lines before, or after
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom this line is not connected to anything, either
Read the above lines to yourself and then consider what a reader is supposed to understand from them.
Many of the rhymes seem disconnected from a cohesive subject: rhyming for the sake of rhyming makes it difficult for a reader to latch on to.
The disjointed nature of this piece makes it very hard for this reader to make sense of. Just as an exercise, eliminate the rhymes, and see what you're left with.
The capital "S" , "Sellers" seems to be a stretch for a dramatic ending, but the statement is confusing without prior context.
That's all a got, for now.
Mark
"selling rain to umbrellas" is an interesting line.
all up in the room - with my silver spoon
as i sit on the moon
instead of the dirt getting swept by the broom this line is not connected to lines before, or after
instead of my heart and my mind living in doom this line is not connected to anything, either
Read the above lines to yourself and then consider what a reader is supposed to understand from them.
Many of the rhymes seem disconnected from a cohesive subject: rhyming for the sake of rhyming makes it difficult for a reader to latch on to.
The disjointed nature of this piece makes it very hard for this reader to make sense of. Just as an exercise, eliminate the rhymes, and see what you're left with.
The capital "S" , "Sellers" seems to be a stretch for a dramatic ending, but the statement is confusing without prior context.
That's all a got, for now.
Mark