All I've Got Left Is Time Travel No. 2

[TranquillityBase]

Words come too late
long after the wind has stilled ........perhaps just 'stasis'? Also, 'long' isn't needed since words came too late.
the broken laminations
spangled sunlight.
Words come too late
the dogs are barking
the feathered shafts come quickly......'approaching' would work better because it is in succession with barking.
stone points embedded in the hillside.

I feel like all the 'the' in this stanza is unecessary.

Buffalo scatter
surrounded by their oceanic prairie
where the Sun God rests his hands
worn rough from making mountains.

Drums sound the celebration
of hunt and conquest
of carcasses motionless
and the shouts and songs of the hunters.

The first strophe is definitely my favorite; it's abstract and visceral, but the rest follows a structure that doesn't hinder to having a connection with the first strophe. They seem like two separate entities.

Thanks Semi, I will take a look at cutting some of those "the"s.  Yes, I need a better bridge from "stone points to buffalo scatter".  Thanks for critiquing.

---

Words come too late
long after the wind has stilled
the broken laminations whose laminations? I read this as lamentations the first time....
spangled sunlight. star spangled banner reference?
Words come too late
the dogs are barking The juxtaposition of "words" and barking dogs here is funny, 
the feathered shafts come quickly
stone points embedded in the hillside.

Buffalo scatter
surrounded by their oceanic prairie
where the Sun God rests his hands
worn rough from making mountains. Beautiful!

Drums sound the celebration
of hunt and conquest Conquest? Very american
of carcasses motionless
and the shouts and songs of the hunters.

THanks for sharing this one, a few lines of the lines will certainly stick with me. I'm not a fan of the title, feels too clever/puny for what is a serious poem? Maybe it balances it out... Something about the scarcity of buffalo now, and the hunting of them in the past... words come too late? I'm not sure im getting it, but I assume its Native Americans hunting Buffalo, and both the natives and buffalo are possible subjects of, "too late"

I agree with semi-cirlce you could probably afford to cut at least one of the "The" s

Thanks Miley,

Title is something a dear friend said to me (now passed away) so it's sort of in honor of him.  

I just find that time period fasicinating, but am trying to evoke it without the drama of violence.  "Words come too late" sort of birthed the poem, but maybe are too vague.  I haven't decided.  I know the spangles are getting cut  .

Thanks for read and critique.

---

Hey Tim,
I see this as part of your 'time travel' series, in which you imagine yourself in very early American scenes featuring Native Americans.  This is a very cool idea, but will be difficult to pull off.  I read No. 1, over in MISC, and think you inserted your presence too deeply in that one. 

My suggestion is to write a lead-in line, which occurs in the present, followed by the scene you imagine/witness in the past. Working yourself in, as the time traveler, is the really tricky part, and it might be best to just leave yourself out as you describe the imagined scenes.  Then maybe add a concluding line where you are back in the present, reflecting upon what you've just imagined.  I very much like the idea as the basis for your series of poems, and I'm very interested to see how the series progresses.

Below I've cut the entire beginning, and started with you finding some stone points, followed by what you imagine:

Stone points embedded in the hillside...

... dogs are barking
the feathered shafts come quickly
Buffalo scatter
surrounded by their oceanic prairie
where the Sun God rests his hands
worn rough from making mountains.

Drums sound the celebration
of hunt and conquest
of carcasses motionless
and the shouts and songs of the hunters.

Thanks Mark, especially for liking the idea.  I'll re-read no. 1 with your comment in mind.  Yes, lead in needs a lot of work.  Not quite ready to lose it all just yet, but I'll keep this in mind.