Kingdom of the Sun(new title and edit)

[brynmawr1]

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Hi Bryn.

One thought for a title,

The Busy Day.                                   Going for the ironic?  Hmmm..

Early risers, errand and chore.

Sweet sun whispers in my ear,

“Do not set down your cup,

but sit, and ....

I'd suggest that your frame each example/animal as a reason to ignore the chores. Let the cats laziness be a lesson, the perfume of the flowers a soporific, the dawn chorus having a similar effect to a lullaby. That sort of thing.    I like the idea, see if I can work it in.

As to the problem of the Huntsman. Why the capital letter? Especially if you didn't want the spider reading. Why not 'watchman' (it may not get you to pet cat, but it wouldn't lead to spider either), perhaps one with a bell?             I wanted it to be more formal for some reason.  I am surprised how many don't get the cat metaphor.  Maybe instead of napping he is giving himself a tongue bath!

And one for the ending. If you have 'cup' close to the beginning, maybe you end with pouring yourself another coffee?    I guess my clean one line doesn't cut it.  I felt like it kind of summed up everything.  I'll keep at it!

Best, Knot

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Thanks for all of your suggestions and sticking with me.
later,
bryn

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Hello again,
You're getting there.  I'd suggest couplets to set apart each observation:
I have a few other minor tweaks, too.

Follow the Sun better

My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by nagging chores, to get on with my day.                  I'm going to keep working this.  I still don't like it. can't seem to get the right feel.

Yet, a lazy rising sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …

watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation with the wind.

Admire the huntsman, done his nightly prowls,
as he naps on his web.  Keeps people from having to look up 'huntsman'             Supposed to be a cat rather than spider

Snicker at the blue vested jester chiding  Maybe 'mocking'?                             blue jay scolding the cat which is actually a common thing as the birds feel threatened
with smug indifference.                 referring to the cat

Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.

Listen for courtesans under verdant eaves- don't repeat 'whisper'. 'listen for' to add some assonance with 'courtesans'.
a choir singing their morning song.

Remember the daffodils, those dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.

Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, Had to look up 'chitinous', but it's a great way to describe ants.  Maybe "treading in their lines' ?  to clarify without being overly obvious. Not sure we know what the 'every need' of an ant is.             The ants are actually caring for the maidens(peonies) which is a real thing
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”

For now I'll ignore those chores
and let my attentions drift with the sun.

Thanks mark.  I will keep plugging along.  More time staring at the text letting my attention drift with the sun!