06-02-2022, 08:35 PM
Hello again,
You're getting there. I'd suggest couplets to set apart each observation:
I have a few other minor tweaks, too.
Follow the Sun better
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by nagging chores, to get on with my day.
Yet, a lazy rising sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …
watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the huntsman, done his nightly prowls,
as he naps on his web. Keeps people from having to look up 'huntsman'
Snicker at the blue vested jester chiding Maybe 'mocking'?
with smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Listen for courtesans under verdant eaves- don't repeat 'whisper'. 'listen for' to add some assonance with 'courtesans'.
a choir singing their morning song.
Remember the daffodils, those dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, Had to look up 'chitinous', but it's a great way to describe ants. Maybe "treading in their lines' ? to clarify without being overly obvious. Not sure we know what the 'every need' of an ant is.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
For now I'll ignore those chores
and let my attentions drift with the sun.
You're getting there. I'd suggest couplets to set apart each observation:
I have a few other minor tweaks, too.
Follow the Sun better
My steaming mug of patio peace, bittered
by nagging chores, to get on with my day.
Yet, a lazy rising sun whispers in my ear,
“stay …
watch the regent, orange and black,
flutter, in conversation with the wind.
Admire the huntsman, done his nightly prowls,
as he naps on his web. Keeps people from having to look up 'huntsman'
Snicker at the blue vested jester chiding Maybe 'mocking'?
with smug indifference.
Be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets.
Listen for courtesans under verdant eaves- don't repeat 'whisper'. 'listen for' to add some assonance with 'courtesans'.
a choir singing their morning song.
Remember the daffodils, those dapper gents,
their yellow hats now stowed away.
Pity the chitinous footmen tending every need, Had to look up 'chitinous', but it's a great way to describe ants. Maybe "treading in their lines' ? to clarify without being overly obvious. Not sure we know what the 'every need' of an ant is.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry.”
For now I'll ignore those chores
and let my attentions drift with the sun.