06-02-2022, 10:32 AM
Hello-
in-line comments below:
Patio Distractions You need a different title. 'Patio' is fine, but 'distractions' not so much
Mug in hand, absorbing A brief description of the coffee would work better, as 'mug in hand ' feels clunky. The aroma? The steam rsing from it?
morning patio peace. This could be the title, meaning this line could be cut.
Disturbed. Nope- not working
Errand and chore. Neither are these.
Insistent clamoring Maybe just 'chores nagging me'
I to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear,
the sun whispering in my ear,
"stay... , see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black all of the following observations should be what the sun is nudging you to do (instead of the chores).
flutter by in negotiation A better word needed.
with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, A bit of clarity needed here for 'the Huntsman'.
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun.
Chided by the blue jester,[ these two lines are a little confusing. Do you mean blue jays, or mockingbirds, or something else?
for his smug indifference. Confused- if I don't know what the 'blue jester' is , then I don't understand it's 'smug indifference'. Things that are clear to you may not be to a reader (esp one like me).
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets,
impressed with their own poise.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, I'd put these lines after the next two.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry. "
My attentions drift
among wood and fern. Clunky, I'm afraid, striving for the final rhyme.
Needs of the Day banished, Why captial 'D' ?
never to return. Hmm?? But those pesky chores always do return...
This final stanza needs to be re-worked, to better show that you've lost your focus on the chores that need to get done while contemplating what the sun has 'directed' you to do.
I like what you're going for here. Tighten up the imagery and you'll be very close.
Thanks for the effort that you're giving this one.
Mark
in-line comments below:
Patio Distractions You need a different title. 'Patio' is fine, but 'distractions' not so much
Mug in hand, absorbing A brief description of the coffee would work better, as 'mug in hand ' feels clunky. The aroma? The steam rsing from it?
morning patio peace. This could be the title, meaning this line could be cut.
Disturbed. Nope- not working
Errand and chore. Neither are these.
Insistent clamoring Maybe just 'chores nagging me'
I to get on with my day.
Their call hard to hear,
the sun whispering in my ear,
"stay... , see what fun we’ll have…
watching the regent, orange and black all of the following observations should be what the sun is nudging you to do (instead of the chores).
flutter by in negotiation A better word needed.
with the wind.
Admire the Huntsman, A bit of clarity needed here for 'the Huntsman'.
done his nightly prowls,
as he naps in the sun.
Chided by the blue jester,[ these two lines are a little confusing. Do you mean blue jays, or mockingbirds, or something else?
for his smug indifference. Confused- if I don't know what the 'blue jester' is , then I don't understand it's 'smug indifference'. Things that are clear to you may not be to a reader (esp one like me).
Being intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
splendent in star-white bonnets,
impressed with their own poise.
Hearing the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves
as the choir sings their morning song.
Pitying the chitinous footmen tending every need, I'd put these lines after the next two.
dutifully abstaining from the pageantry. "
My attentions drift
among wood and fern. Clunky, I'm afraid, striving for the final rhyme.
Needs of the Day banished, Why captial 'D' ?
never to return. Hmm?? But those pesky chores always do return...
This final stanza needs to be re-worked, to better show that you've lost your focus on the chores that need to get done while contemplating what the sun has 'directed' you to do.
I like what you're going for here. Tighten up the imagery and you'll be very close.
Thanks for the effort that you're giving this one.
Mark