06-01-2022, 11:00 PM
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Hi Bryn.
Lots of promise but I think you fall at the final hurdle.
I'm not sure who the I is in the last verse (I think it's the sun, but ... ) nor what is meant by 'bide' (tolerate?). To whom is the last line addressed? (If sun is the speaker, then it's to the 'my' of my day/ear. If 'my' is the speaker then are they talking to errand and chore. Needs disambiguating, for me.
Nature, as viewed from the patio, as a royal court is an nice image. Good build up, but something of an anti-climax.
My Patio .........................................It's a bit bland. Not a great attraction to a reader.
Errand and chore
always early risers,.........................Good start (hints of youth, eagerness, impatience)
clamor, to start my day. ................. but 'clamour'? Are errand and chore noisy? Or are they trying to attract your attention? More insistent that clamouring?
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” ..........................not sure why there's a ," here. The sun continues talking until the very end, doesn't it?
see the reagent, orange and black ......... I think you mean 'regent' (as in Monarch butterfly)?
flutter by in parley .................................perhaps flutter by conversing / with the wind. (Though 'flutter' isn't exactly regal, is it?
with the wind........................................ Though, given how they sometimes move, maybe arguing with the breeze might be more interesting? Or even negotiating. Also, given the whole royal court theme, what role does the wind play in that scheme? A foreign dignitary?
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, ....... 'admire' seems at odds with 'smug'. Are spiders smug?
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester, .............................. is this a jay?
perched on high. ................................ why not a bit of detail (what type of tree, for instance)?
admire the Huntsman,
nightly duties done
chided by the blue
vested jester perched
on a cedar branch,
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets ..................... 'to doff' is to remove. Boasting star-white bonnets ?
self-impressed with their foliage. ............. in two minds about 'self-impressed'. On the plus side it made me think of flowers pressed in books (but then that leads to something of a pun, and well, ...) And 'foliage' is a bit obvious isn't it? Self-impressed by their possession/poise ?
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. .................Nice description of ants. Maybe ... drab chitinous ... ?
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves ........... if the butterfly is the king, who are the courtesans?
as the choir sings their the morning song.
Were I king of wood and fern, ........... Given 'regent' earlier, this suggests that the sun is supplanting the butterfly. Not following.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn. ........................... I'm sure this is supposed to tie back to errand/chore, but I'm not following it.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Bryn.
Lots of promise but I think you fall at the final hurdle.
I'm not sure who the I is in the last verse (I think it's the sun, but ... ) nor what is meant by 'bide' (tolerate?). To whom is the last line addressed? (If sun is the speaker, then it's to the 'my' of my day/ear. If 'my' is the speaker then are they talking to errand and chore. Needs disambiguating, for me.
Nature, as viewed from the patio, as a royal court is an nice image. Good build up, but something of an anti-climax.
My Patio .........................................It's a bit bland. Not a great attraction to a reader.
Errand and chore
always early risers,.........................Good start (hints of youth, eagerness, impatience)
clamor, to start my day. ................. but 'clamour'? Are errand and chore noisy? Or are they trying to attract your attention? More insistent that clamouring?
Hard to hear,
the sun in my ear,
“sit with me and,” ..........................not sure why there's a ," here. The sun continues talking until the very end, doesn't it?
see the reagent, orange and black ......... I think you mean 'regent' (as in Monarch butterfly)?
flutter by in parley .................................perhaps flutter by conversing / with the wind. (Though 'flutter' isn't exactly regal, is it?
with the wind........................................ Though, given how they sometimes move, maybe arguing with the breeze might be more interesting? Or even negotiating. Also, given the whole royal court theme, what role does the wind play in that scheme? A foreign dignitary?
admire the Huntsman done his nightly prowls, ....... 'admire' seems at odds with 'smug'. Are spiders smug?
smug in his way, chided by
blue vested jester, .............................. is this a jay?
perched on high. ................................ why not a bit of detail (what type of tree, for instance)?
admire the Huntsman,
nightly duties done
chided by the blue
vested jester perched
on a cedar branch,
be intoxicated by perfumed maidens,
doffed in star-white bonnets ..................... 'to doff' is to remove. Boasting star-white bonnets ?
self-impressed with their foliage. ............. in two minds about 'self-impressed'. On the plus side it made me think of flowers pressed in books (but then that leads to something of a pun, and well, ...) And 'foliage' is a bit obvious isn't it? Self-impressed by their possession/poise ?
pity the chitinous footmen tending every need,
dutifully indifferent to the pageantry. .................Nice description of ants. Maybe ... drab chitinous ... ?
Hear the courtesans’ whispers under verdant eaves ........... if the butterfly is the king, who are the courtesans?
as the choir sings their the morning song.
Were I king of wood and fern, ........... Given 'regent' earlier, this suggests that the sun is supplanting the butterfly. Not following.
I’d bide Needs of the Day
await your turn. ........................... I'm sure this is supposed to tie back to errand/chore, but I'm not following it.
Best, Knot
.