Evoking the end

[Semicircle]

Hey Semi-

I really like the image you're going for.  I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'.  Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.

Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye".  Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes.  I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'.  The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.

Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.

This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it.  Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...



Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????

---

Hey Semi-

I really like the image you're going for.  I know what you mean by "beach castles", but why not just call 'em 'sand castles'.  Nothing wrong with that more familiar term; do you really call 'em "beach castles", or were you just trying to change it up? I also think that going singular might work better, ie 'castle', which is more intimate.

Also, not sure that an eye would be draining color, but I really like "misty white sun like an eye".  Try to envision the effect that the 'misty white sun' really causes.  I don't see it 'draining' in my mind's eye'.  The lines following the simile 'like an eye' are going to be hard to come by, but are crucial.

Tightening this one down a bit more could produce a very good piece, so I'm suggesting some further subtraction, except for the bolded words I added.

This could be a tough puzzle to solve, but would be worth it.  Maybe just let it alone, and come back to it in a day, week, or year...



Sand castle
smoothed over
by sea foam,
swept into a rib cage,
and the misty white sun
like an eye,
?????
?????

I thought about it some more, and see the dilema of two metaphors in close proximity:  castle/rib cage ; sun/eye. A simple modifier for 'eye' might work, eg "unwavering eye".

and the misty white sun,
like an unwavering eye.

ps. you might want to re-think the title, as well. Waves always destroy sand castles, and the impartial, hot sun just keeps beating down, like it always does.  As combined metaphors, they suggest feelings of powerlessness. 

appreciate it ambrose

I call them sand castles. Figured ambiguity might help the poem. I realize it was a bit unnecessary. 

My goal for the 'eternal bliss' title, was to show how bleak it would be; how life shaves away when you've submitted to bliss. 

You have given me a lot to work with, thank you very much Mark. I'll give this some thought.