4 a.m.

[Mark A Becker]

Tim said, "And now I feel liberated from the 5-7-5 business!"

And Mark replied: 5-7-5 is good if you want to stick to a particular structure for discipline ...

Being liberated is good Tim, yet I'm quite certain that you wracked your brain to fit the syllable count.  I certainly know the feeling...  I do tend to stick to a particular structure much of the time, as Mark says, for discipline.  It makes each word choice important.

Here's a 5-7-5 (call it what ya want, cause it ain't haiku):

without a word said
I read the nod of your head-
let's play wreck the bed


As regards your piece:

4 a.m. is an interesting title.  (It could actually work as the last line.)

Half-moon, bowl of light  very strong start
tipped over the horizon  this is where the struggle to fit the "7" shows
pours out a dead haze.  "pours out on dead haze" ?? I don't think "a" is needed.  I'd re-think the whole line. (This is where the title could work. It indicates your presence in the very early morning, and suggests sleeplessness/worry/restlessness).

If you just abandon the 5-7-5 I think you could still present a clear image in a very short form piece. Short ones are very tricky. I think writing in a liberated way is more your style, Tim- writing within strict structures can be absolute torture.

I like the idea so much that I have stolen it, and written it like so:

half-moon, bowl of light
tipped over on a dead haze-
4am again 

Mark