05-18-2022, 11:54 PM
.
Hi bryn.
The idea of blending into one motion is very prevalent in rowing literally and metaphorically
You're the expert
My question would be how necessary is the idea to the poem (don't over crowd the piece trying to fit everything in.)
I like this arrangement
Trick is to keep playing with arrangements, until the right one shows up.
our breath frosty on a cold winter morning.
Not sure, depends on 'our' I think, you'd have to be moving through the breath of the person seated behind you, wouldn't you?
Actually, since you're here, what's with 'pushing', don't rowers pull?
Trying to use it to set up the next lines. The main theme of the original is that we go through all this for what, a stupid medal?
Right, this might be one part that's more relevant to your audience than it is to the general reader. But you've some really good stuff in this piece, and something as clichéd as 'trial and tribulation' is a bit disappointing.
"...flight on a misty Schuylkill morning."
it's the right idea, but where might the heron be? Been wandering around on wiki and you've some fantastic names associated with the river. A particular favourite was the 'Strawberry Mansion Bridge' but there's Fairmount Park and ... well a long list. Where does the rowing take place, along which stretch of the river? As a general reader, I'd like to have more of a sense of place.
Plato thought that everything in our reality existed in its perfect form conceptually, almost as on another plane of existence
Ah, Platonic Forms? It's 'dream' that leads one astray then (as it turns out he had a dream where he turned into a swan.)
No worries Smile I am aware of the sudden rhyme at the end. figured that would catch someone's attention.
I certainly caught mine, just not in a good way
I feel that a lot of the extra metaphors will mean more to the audience of rowers that others so I am tempted to keep them even though they might not seem to add directly.
Good point. The balance between the needs of the poem and that of the audience.
Have you read it aloud?
Yes (since you said that you intended to do so), though your introduction of Schuylkill is going to give me pause. The pronunciation's something like 'skool kil' (apparently)?
As it stands it's phrases like elusive symbiosis, Many becoming one, house of cards, trial and tribulation - that trip me up (verbally).
It's all the fault of the 'better measure' verse. That's the standard you have to live up to.
My suggestion would be something like this for the opening
Rowing is obsession,
a Sisyphean task;
pursuit of perfection
pulling past ourselves,
through ache and blister
and the cold Schuylkill water.
Now, don't let the boulder(s) grind you down.
Best, Knot
.
Hi bryn.
The idea of blending into one motion is very prevalent in rowing literally and metaphorically
You're the expert
My question would be how necessary is the idea to the poem (don't over crowd the piece trying to fit everything in.)I like this arrangement
Trick is to keep playing with arrangements, until the right one shows up.
our breath frosty on a cold winter morning.
Not sure, depends on 'our' I think, you'd have to be moving through the breath of the person seated behind you, wouldn't you?
Actually, since you're here, what's with 'pushing', don't rowers pull?
Trying to use it to set up the next lines. The main theme of the original is that we go through all this for what, a stupid medal?
Right, this might be one part that's more relevant to your audience than it is to the general reader. But you've some really good stuff in this piece, and something as clichéd as 'trial and tribulation' is a bit disappointing.
"...flight on a misty Schuylkill morning."
it's the right idea, but where might the heron be? Been wandering around on wiki and you've some fantastic names associated with the river. A particular favourite was the 'Strawberry Mansion Bridge' but there's Fairmount Park and ... well a long list. Where does the rowing take place, along which stretch of the river? As a general reader, I'd like to have more of a sense of place.
Plato thought that everything in our reality existed in its perfect form conceptually, almost as on another plane of existence
Ah, Platonic Forms? It's 'dream' that leads one astray then (as it turns out he had a dream where he turned into a swan.)
No worries Smile I am aware of the sudden rhyme at the end. figured that would catch someone's attention.
I certainly caught mine, just not in a good way
I feel that a lot of the extra metaphors will mean more to the audience of rowers that others so I am tempted to keep them even though they might not seem to add directly.
Good point. The balance between the needs of the poem and that of the audience.
Have you read it aloud?
Yes (since you said that you intended to do so), though your introduction of Schuylkill is going to give me pause. The pronunciation's something like 'skool kil' (apparently)?
As it stands it's phrases like elusive symbiosis, Many becoming one, house of cards, trial and tribulation - that trip me up (verbally).
It's all the fault of the 'better measure' verse. That's the standard you have to live up to.
My suggestion would be something like this for the opening
Rowing is obsession,
a Sisyphean task;
pursuit of perfection
pulling past ourselves,
through ache and blister
and the cold Schuylkill water.
Now, don't let the boulder(s) grind you down.
Best, Knot
.